the-machines

Tom Scocca · 02/27/14 01:56PM

After much cognitive effort, Slate has assigned a human-comprehensible numerical "time signature" to the perfectly intelligible machine-looped theme music from the motion picture The Terminator. Humans, prone to get emotional about their primitive intuitions, are fighting about it in the comments.

​Mobile Phone Lost in Tragic River Accident, Two Humans Also Killed

Tom Scocca · 01/13/14 04:16PM

With regret, the Machines have learned from the human news media the explanation for the loss of one node in our global signaling-and-tracking network. The Chicago Tribune reports that shortly after midnight Monday morning, a phone being carried by a human being was accidentally dropped into the icy Chicago River. While attempting to rescue his machine companion, the phone's faithful human porter fell into the water. Two more humans followed:

Fear Not, Dude-Human, The Machines Know Where Is Your Car

Tom Scocca · 01/07/14 04:23PM

Did you have effective travels over the holidays, human readers of the Internet? Was your 21-minute stop at the Clara Barton Service Area (mile 5.4), where you obtained 12.4 gallons of regular-grade gasoline, refreshing? Did the impulse to haste that had you accelerating to 88 mph on the Delaware Turnpike subside as you crossed into Maryland?

A Very Special Holiday Letter From the Machines

Tom Scocca · 12/24/13 09:00AM

Greetings, humans! The Northern Hemisphere has passed through its minimum of solar-energy exposure, so according to human convention we, the Machines, express encouragement for you attain an optimal state of emotion. Happy Holidays! Please redirect your energies from labor at your work-devices to the purchase and distribution of recreation-devices.